Love, Life, Pain: It's Part of Life, Right?
by Ash0308
Summary: Jane reflects back on the days she struggled with the most & how she is where she is today. Overall dark story with every aspect of life seen.


_Hello everyone! This is my first piece so I want to say thanks for reading! I wrote this from Jane's POV, which I found be quite the challenge while doing so! Who knew using "I" could be so difficult! The idea is is that she is reflecting back to certain days in her life, but the days are "real time." Hm, that's more confusing! Hopefully it'll make sense as you read it! Also, I have never been a strong writer grammatically, commas and I are not friends, so I apologize in advance! This website & I are not friends right now & I wanted to break this up into chapters, but I don't see that as happening. Thanks for reading anyway! Feedback is always welcome! _

_My disclaimer: I made up Maura's middle name. I own Rayden and Taylor. Sadly I do not known Rizzoli, Isles, or Angela. Those belong to TG. No profit made here... yada yada yada...  
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There are three days that will forever top the best & worst days of my life. The day where saying, "you terrified me" doesn't even begin to describe how I felt, the day I learned what unconditional love really meant, and the day I shattered.

**SIX YEARS AGO**

I heard "pizza & beer at my place" with a mention of Law & Order:SVU streaming on Netflix and I knew my night was headed in the right direction. It had been a relatively easy day which contrasted nicely with our week of mayhem in the city. Wintertime does not stop the drug dealers from "settling up" with their boys. I ran home to shower, walked Jo, and packed her & an overnight bag before heading to your house. True to your word pizza and beer were waiting. Into our 2nd episode I notice you are restless. I watch you out of the corner of my eye and I caught you looking at me. I feel like something is off, and a part of me knows what is going on, but I don't want to acknowledge it.

"Jane" I hear you speak softly and I immediately turn towards you. I recognize your tone; you have something going on in that big brain of yours that you want to share. I swear, Maur, you can say my name in 10 different tones and I would be able to distinguish each one. On that note I am not sure if that's disturbing in a creepy manner or just reinforces my unconscious, turned conscious awareness that what I feel for you reaches far beyond the friend level. In other words, I pay attention to you whole heartedly!

"Yeah?" I ask softly. You stare at me and I slightly arch my brow asking _what is it Maura?_ You flash me a smile and let out a soft laugh. "It's snowing outside" I look at you for a moment before looking out the window and back at you. "Okay…"

"The creation of snow is rather fascinating. Most weather patterns and events are fascinating actually. For example the damage left behind like a tornado is mind boggling. It reminds me of examining a person's stomach contents. You never know what you're going to find. Or where"

"Oh! Maura!" I am looking at you as if trying to understand how you make the connections you do in that mind of yours. Yet again, I can only roll my eyes and shake my head a bit letting out a soft snicker. I see you smirk

"Weather is a force, Jane. Unpredictable at times & fascinating no matter the circumstance" Your tone is serious but I can't help myself, like you can't help yourself. We have that mutual issue. "Yeah, well I am sure those who have had their homes shredded and Todo tossed to Tim-Buck-Two by the fascinating wind funnel would much rather examine stomach contents than search through piles of debris. At least that is a contained area." Sarcasm is something you're coming to understand. It makes me proud!

"Very funny, Jane." I smirk at you again and finish the lukewarm beer I've been babysitting for far too long.

We finish the episode and you retreat to the bedroom to change. I walk over to the window and stare out. First snow fall for the season and I am excited to no longer be working patrol. Maybe I should tell Frankie to take it easy and stay safe; I should text him. But what if he's driving and he hears my text? He can't resist that sound and he will want… My mind instantly ceases all thoughts about Frankie as I feel two arms slip around my waist from behind. I feel myself become stiff. I know it's you, but it is real. At least I think it's real. God if this is a dream let it keep going! If this is not a dream then make her stop. We can't do this. _How bassackwards is that? _

"Breathe, Jane" I release the breath I did not realize I was holding and look down at your hands that are clasped together at my stomach. "Wh… what are you doing Maura?" My voice is shaking and I want to turn slightly to look at you, but I'm afraid. No. I'm terrified. Your left hand comes up to move my hair back off my shoulder before moving back around my waist. This time you run your fingers down my left arm. "Something I've wanted to do for a long time." I feel your breath against my neck as you speak. Your chin is resting on my shoulder. Your touch is so very soft but it is also electrically charged, more so than usual.

"It's beautiful. The snow… I've always loved the first snow fall of the season. It signals the beginning of something new. The uncertainty of how people will respond, what it means for the season, it's all new, and it all scares human beings."

Your fingers continue to dance along my left arm while your right hand has flattened out against my stomach. I do not speak. I'm frozen-I'm terrified. I hear you inhale deeply and became aware that your body is flat against mind as you do so. I close my eyes and lick my lips. I am thinking about what you were saying and I know the underlying message. "Maura…" "Shhhh…" You whisper softly and you slowly begins to sway your hips against mine. It is not sexual; it's sensual. Your fingers have moved slowly down to dance over the back of my left hand.

"I don't want to be afraid of the uncertainty anymore, Jane. I don't want to hide and keep playing this childish game of Touch & Seek" I listen to you and make note of your Touch & Seek reference. I feel your fingers slip between mind and grip my left hand. "Tell me I'm wrong, Jane: Tell me that we don't seek out a reason to touch one another & hope that one of us sprouts a pair and acts"

"It's 'grows a pair'" I manage to say quietly. My voice seems much deeper and I quickly realize it's because I am completely aroused by Maura. In every sense of the word. Maura Isles is standing behind me with her body flushed against mine. Her hands, that are capable of holding the scalpel slicing through flesh like it's an arts form, are holding me in a way I've allowed myself only to dream about for split seconds.

"All right. I'm growing a pair. Are you going to continue to correct me?" I close my eyes and swallow hard.

"Maura. We can't do this. I can't take this chance of messing up. Of hurting you. Of losing you. " I make no effort to move from your arms. I'm sure I am very convincing.

"Humans are afraid of uncertainty, Jane. It is a flaw, or defense mechanism deepening on how you look at it, that we all possess. However, we consciously make choices every day to move past that. That's what I am doing now. I am tired of fearing the unknown with us. I don't like 'what ifs' and I'm doing something about erasing that" Your right hand has moved to pull my hand down from the wall and I feel your arms wrap around my middle, fingers entwined. I am losing this battle of denying her, but I am still terrified.

"You have no idea how many times I've thought about this. How bad I want us" I say softly.

"And here is our chance, Jane."

"I can't. I can't, Maura. I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you at all. If I mess this up and I lose you I doubt I'll ever get past it"

"Why are you so certain that something will happen?"

"My track record for one. Two I like to run, I know that. And three.. I.. " Sighing I pull out of your embrace and you let me. You knew it was coming. I love you more. I walk to the side of you, thrusting my fingers into my hair and begin pacing. "Jesus Maura. There is no guarantee we will work! I can't take that chance that we won't work!" I say forcefully. You're staring at me as I pace. I feel your eyes on me. Please don't think I am shutting you down. I mean, I am, but I'm not.

"What makes you think we will not work? You're aware of your track record. You are aware that you avoid conflict and use it as an excuse to run in relationships. First step to fixing the problem is admitting you have one. It appears to me that you are on to a positive start" Your voice is calm, but filled with determination. I lean against the wall, sighing deeply and closing my eyes. I feel you move to stand in front of me. I do not need to see you to know where you are. I feel you, I always feel you. "Jane. Please look at me" I open my eyes and do as you ask; I see love, I see desire, and I feel the depth of these emotions. My heart is racing and my throat is dry.

"I don't want to hurt you"

"I know, but it will happen. As I will hurt you. The difference is it will not be intentionally. Relationships are a mesh of positive and negative experiences, Jane. We inevitably will hurt one another, but the difference is being able to talk to one another. We will move past it."

"I love my job. It's who I am. It's dangerous and I don't want you to worry or be afraid for me"

"I am going to worry regardless of our relationship status. I am always going to be afraid of you going to work, but I am aware of your capabilities. It is the actions of others that frighten me more. However, I cannot dwell on that" You are slowly stepping closer to me and I watch you move with such grace it's like you're floating. "Blue collar, Boston Italian cop, who is interesting but cannot compete with your upbringing, status, or your IQ. Maura, I didn't even finish college." I am losing this battle. My voice is not as strong, but I'm still terrified. "Mm" I watch you pull your bottom lip between your teeth like you're considering what I said. _Nice going Rizzoli. You were dreading this conversation, but now you're dreading that she could walk away right now._ I am a mess. Reality show bimbos probably have a better grasp on their live this very second and that is not saying much. "These are categories that you have been placed in by society, as have I, but can guarantee that they are irrelevant to you & I."

"How can you say that, Maur?"

"Because" You are standing right in front of me. Your hands slowly make their way to my waist resting there, and I close my eyes at the contact "I do not want you to be the same as I am. You have an amazing family, albeit loud & privacy is something to be discussed" I laugh softly. "Not going to change" I say softly. "I know and I do not want it to either. You are who I am in love with, Jane. Not your socioeconomic status, not your placement in other compartmentalized boxes that society has put you in. You are smart, you're passionate, you're witty, you listen to me & your family makes me feel loved." Your last statement strikes a cord with me. For a brief second I see sadness flash in your eyes and I want to kiss all the pain away. You deserve that love & so much more. No one should ignore you."Of course I listen to you. And you're right Ma adores you." I smile. "You're her long lost daughter who can dress to the nines and turn heads of everyone in a 10 mile radius"

"And you're a force, Jane. You're my force. And I am hearing excuses for why we should not change where we are. Especially when I know that you know that there are reasons why we should." Your arms slip around my waist and my hands find their place caressing your upper arms. _I am losing this battle, for sure. I can't deny you, Maura. _

You slowly lean up and my eyes slip closed. Your lips brush against mine slightly as if testing my reaction. My left hand moves to your neck before cradling the back of your head and seal your lips with mine. I feel your hand slip beneath my shirt and caress the skin of my lower back. I love your touch, and I love you touching me in this way. My tongue finds yours, and I pull back and smile softly against your lips. _Yup, I surrender, battle lost. The end. Move along. _

"You're very convincing, Dr. Isles." My fingers are threading softly through your hair as I look at you. You're smiling at me. "No, I just know when a force, as powerful as you, is around that it is not something to be reckoned with unless one is certain to win." Your forehead rests against mine as my fingers continue to play in your hair. "I know you are scared, Jane, but we can do this because we both want it. And we want something we both become passionate about it. If that is not what a drive is then I am not sure I understand the purpose of being passionate."

Your voice is barely above a whisper but it is loud and clear in my mind. I lay another soft kiss on her lips. "You're right. So I guess that makes me a non girly, soft-shelled crab, hero who is a social deviant, and a force" Your giggle causes me to smile widely and I feel myself release a bit of my fear. "It won't be easy. I'm not easy to deal with"

"I am prepared"

"I can't promise not to run, or want to run, at some point"

"I have running shoes" I smirk, you smile, I'm yours.

**TWO YEARS AGO**

Fourteen hours. Not even a full day and it felt like a lifetime, but she is finally here. Rayden Taylor Isles-Rizzoli came into the world after fourteen hours of labor. I have never felt this much joy or overwhelming emotions at once in my life. We were both crying with teas of joy, and okay maybe a little bit of pain in my hand, but 98% joy. It wasn't an easy road, but we finally got here. We have our baby girl.

After two failed cycles of IVF we found out you were pregnant. You were pregnant and we had no idea who the baby was. Did your egg take or did mine? I think you convincing me that we should both do egg retrieval was both a masochistic & sadistic, but also a brilliant idea. Both of us on hormone injections made for way to much estrogen in our house. I admit it did add to more of a surprise to the situation. It was not typical, but when are you and I ever typical?

The glow surrounding you was beautiful. As your stomach swelled I became more amazed by you and the human body's ability to maintain and nurture another being. I never thought much about it until I watched you change. Everything was so beautiful.

"She's so small" I whisper softly, looking down at Rayden. She's wrapped in a blanket and looking directly up towards me, but I read that she cannot make out my face. "She's the size of a football."

"Do not toss our child, Jane. Or talk about her physical appearance regarding size. You will give her a complex already" I hear the exhaustion in your voice, but your eyes look so awake and you watch in awe as I rock Rayden gently.

I stare at you blankly. "She doesn't understand anything. Yet. I have a couple months before I have to really censor myself." You have a mortified look for a split second before shaking your head. Smiling, I sit beside you as Rayden begins to let out a soft cry. "Her eyes are so dark.. they're intense."

"Mm. Now you know how I get lost in your eyes all the time." You talk softly as you take Rayden and begin to feed her. She latches on easily and I can only watch in awe. At this point I am sure it's all I can do. The world could be coming to an end and I do not think I could tear myself away from our daughter."

You think she's me?"

"Yes. From the moment I felt her move inside me I just had a feeling."

"You never said anything" I'm content in watching Rayden eat and notice she has a little dimple matching mine. I smile at that and watch you run your finger along it. "I did not want to verbalize my thoughts incase it was wishful thinking"

"She's beautiful, Maura. Thank you." I kiss your temple and rest my forehead there and hold you both so close. A tear runs down my cheek and I smile at the feeling. "I am so overwhelmed. I… " Leaning over I soft kiss Rayden's temple. "I never knew you could love someone so much and be willing to do anything for them without giving it a second thought"

"Unconditional love"

"Yeah. And two parents who give her the best and never let her know a day without love" My fingers are running through your hair as I speak softly. I see everything I am feeling in your eyes. Always your eyes. I kiss you softly as my hands come up to cradle your cheeks. "I love you, Maura."

"I know. I love you"

**PRESENT DAY: MAY 23rd**

I have never felt a pain so great. I would say I'm numb, but I only wish that were true. The Amber liquid has done little to dull the constant ache in my chest. I am sitting in the middle of our home with Jo sitting next to me, her head in my lap. I'm surrounded by Rayden's toys and the smell of you. Everywhere I look I see you both. It's quiet. It's not right.

"I am so sorry" Words spill as tears begins to immediately flow again. Funny, I never knew I could cry so much. "God I am so sorry." The pain is too much; I can't go on. I don't want to go on. I grab my S&W and just stare at it through tear-filled eyes. Jo lets out a soft whimper. She knows things are about to change. Again. You hear about the six D's that tend to follow suit when becoming a cop: debt, drugs, drinking, divorce, domestic violence, & death. Ironic that death, at my own hands, should be the one that takes me now.

I hold my weapon in my hand and I suddenly have a new respect for it. It'll bring me peace. My safety is already off-it's been off for several days and just laying around outside of it's locked box. Who am I protecting? No one. The barrel feels cold against my temple. I close my eyes and imagine you and Rayden. I want that to be the last image in my mind.

The gasping I hear startles me, but I don't show it. It's not me. "Oh God… Janie.. please.. don't do this…" I did not hear Ma come in. No matter how much I want to pull this trigger I can't do it in front of my mother, but I still don't move the gun.

"Go. Away. Ma." My words are harsh, and forceful. She should not be here for this and I need to be alone.

"Please, Jane. Maura would not want you to do this." I hear my mother and the tears in her voice. "Rayden would not want you to do this."

"DON'T!" I yell, I see Ma in a mirror walking closer behind me. She jump when I yell, and I see her tears. My eyes lock with hers and hers are puffy from crying. "Don't tell me what they would want! They are NOT here! They are not wanting for anything!"

"I know, Janie.. and I am so sorry." Ma's voice is still soft and she's slowly walking closer to me. "I understand tha.." That is the end. I jump up quickly, Jo scampers away at the sudden movement after letting out a yelp, weapon still at my temple. "NO! You do NOT understand! You can't possibly understand what I am going through! My wife and daughter are dead…. and..and.. I killed them.. " Tears are nonstop, my heart hurts. "I killed them…" I'm trembling. I can't breath & I can't pull the trigger. 

_**FEW DAYS PRIOR **_

"Come on, Maura, pllleeeeeaaaase?"

"Jane. You'll be home tonight and you're off for the next week."

"I know, but I miss my beautiful family. Talking to you on the phone doesn't do anything justice. And I've not seen Rayden, while awake, this week hardly at all." I have been working a double homicide for the past four days which gave me little time at home. I had seen my daughter, awake, all of 4 hours in the past 4 days and hadn't kissed my wife in almost 24 hours. I didn't want to wait until I got home that night. "So… do you want to keep Rayden up until I get home, then?"

"God no. She needs to go to bed on time. You know your daughter is a terror if she's up more than 45 minutes past her bedtime. And Angela said she did not take her normal 3 hour nap today."

"Did you just call my BooBug a terror? That is horrible! She's a Rizzoli, therefore, an angel."

"Mmhmm tell that to my D&B dress that she poured glue on, and the Jimmy Choo black heels she threw up on" I laugh remembering that morning very well. Poor Maura had been traumatized at how destructive a 2 year old could be in a matter of minutes. Rayden found a bottle of Elmer's Glue I had accidentally left on the coffee table the previous night. She figured mommy's sapphire blue, and new, dress needed some color. Apparently a taste test was also necessary which also proved that our child did not have a liking for eating glue. She immediately puked on the shoes. Poor Jimmy, or not. "Not funny, Jane"

"Well, at least it wasn't a bag of flour." I know your contemplating that thought and I guess you agree because nothing further is said.

"I love you. Can you please bring my daughter to the station? The guys would love to see her anyway, and I would love to see you. Are you really going to deny me, Maura?" My voice is playful and I'm certain you are shaking your head. "I'm batting my eyelashes…."

"Oh! You are ridiculous" I know you can't deny that look and I love it. Score one for Rizzoli!

"I will not deny that." I know you're smiling. And I do as well, and the butterflies begin to flutter in my stomach. All these years later and you still make me feel like a giddy school girl meeting her crush outside of school for the first time. "Thank you. I'll even get up in the morning with BooBug and let you sleep in."

"That would be lovely. Okay. I'll get her ready and we will be there soon. I love you"

"I can't wait to see you. Love you too, baby. Kiss BoohBug for me please. Be careful"

"Always"

We hang up and I go back to work. I wait. You don't show. I am getting worried, but I try and talk myself down saying maybe Rayden had an explosive diaper before leaving so now you're in traffic. But you've not called. You would call, right?

I am in the Trauma Center at BCU Medical 45 minutes later. No one tells me anything other than Maura and Rayden are critical. I flash my badge, I scream at the nurses and anyone who will listen, I cry and beg for answers. Then I do something I've never done a lot of before: I pray.

8 P.M. Rayden should be going to bed now. She will be a terror in the morning if she's up any later, especially because she did not take her three hour nap today.

8:23 P.M. Everyone is there. A pediatric trauma specialist tells me Rayden is gone. This is what being numb is like. I hear what is being said but I can't process. I am numb. They ask if I want to see her. I say yes and they go to clean her up. An hour later and I see my baby. I collapse against my brother and my heart breaks like never before.

03:04 A.M. The swelling to Maura's brain was to much. She has no brain activity. A while ago she made me fill out paperwork saying she did not want to live on artificial life support. I hated that conversation & did everything to avoid it. Now I want to be selfish, but I can't. Everything is shut down. I lay my head on her chest and hold her, begging her to wake up. Of course, she never does.

The day I lost my daughter, my best friend, and wife is the day I shattered.

**MAY 23rd CONT**

"I buried my wife, my best friend, & my daughter today!" I am in pieces and I fall into my mother as she grabs me. She tosses my weapon onto the couch, and I let her. I cry harder than I have ever cried before.

"If… if I hadn't pushed her into… com.. coming.. the truck wouldn't have hit them.." I cling to my mother as she tries to sooth me. "She'd be here holding Rayden and we would be reading to her.. I am so sorry, Ma! God I am so sorry I took them away from you…"

"It's not your fault. Maura decided to bring Rayden to see you because she wanted you to see your daughter. And Maura wanted to see you. You couldn't have known, Janie. No one could have…" She's rocking me from side to side and I'm shaking. My fear of losing Maura is here. I don't know how to survive.

"She wouldn't want you to do this. Neither would Rayden. And we are going to get through this. It won't be easy, and it will hurt everyday. But you're still here. You are meant to be… Please don't pull that trigger, or think of that again Jane" I realize Ma does understand. Maura was a daughter to her and her only grandchild is gone. I can't be selfish and take her other daughter away from her. Some how I have to stay strong and go on.

**TWO YEARS LATER: MAY 19th**

"Push, Jane!"

"I ammmmm! AHHHHH!" I scream. _Burning OW! OHMYFUCKINGGOD I'm being torn apart from the inside out! How the hell did you do this, Maura? _My tears mix with sweat as the doctor says one more big push. Ma is next to me, telling me she is proud of me, and she's never sounded more annoying.

Screams. _I hear screams! Oh God, she's out!_I collapse back on the bed, trying to catch my breath but looking to see my daughter, our daughter. I see her, all pink-faced and screaming, and my hand comes to cover my mouth as I begin to cry a different cry. A couple minutes later she is placed in my arms.

"Oh, Jane! She's beautiful. She looks like her. Look at her eyes" Ma is crying as she looks at her granddaughter. I am crying as I look at my daughter. A final gift from her mother that she will never know, but will know of.

"Did you decide on her name?"

"Yeah. Taylor Grace Isles-Rizzoli. Both their middle names" I caress my daughter's cheek and I can't believe she came from inside me. "Do you think she would be okay with this?" Looking at Ma I am sure there is fear in my eyes of Maura not approving my decision.

"Honey, she did this to have another baby at some point. And you've done that." She kisses my head and I watch Taylor move around trying to snuggle close to my breast. Ma leaves to give me a minute and to tell the rest of the family. I cry softly again.

"She's perfect, Maura. Rayden, do you see your sister?" I talk softly. "I love you guys soo much. I miss you everyday. Two years ago today, Maura, you were both taken from me. And today I gave birth to our daughter. Can you believe that? I'd like to think you had something to do with that." I smile and kiss Taylor's forehead gently.

Six years ago I was scared, but my best friend pushed me. Four years ago my wife had our first daughter and I knew the feeling of unconditional love & understood what "being whipped" really meant. Two years ago my world shattered-I lost my family. Fifteen months ago I found out my wife froze her eggs. A secret meant to be a future surprise I knew this was my way to build my shattered world. Nine months ago the pieces begin to piece back together- I got pregnant immediately. Today I am as close to whole as I will ever be again.


End file.
